And it Ends or Does it Began?

Much has changed in so few days, so few hours it would seem. Finally we came down to it, her and I at 1a her time she wanted to talk with me. And so we talked for a bit, as this conversation progressed I knew it was going to end inevitably in the final word on a relationship that had seemed to be on very rocky ground, had become shallow, the depth was lost. Two years it had been her and I were together. Many conversations on the phone, on ym, but never in person. She at distance and me so far away. She lived on islands of the Philippines, and I will still here in California. So many times I had wanted to go and see her but as time passed, more and more arguments this process had begun seeming small at first but growing by the day and by the hour. We drifted further and further apart and it was not the same relationship it once was. I never made the trip because if I was to make the trip, I had expected it to be on good terms, not after arguments. Not after battles, hanging up breaking up and coming together again. Both seeming to want to make it work though it seemed there was little or no help that it would ever come about as something that could last.

Sure love was spoken but I wonder if it was truly felt, or was it only an attempt to hold together that which was clearly falling apart? It was a downward spiral for sure, things were not working, the arguments became more frequent and though it was started many times to speak those final words to say it was over, to say Goodbye for the final time, they were never uttered until this very day at 9a in the morning where after taking the time to listen and hear her out, I could see where it was going. Tears they did fall, and I have no qualms with letting them roll down my face, call it what you will but to hold it in makes no sense. So the tears the fell, my eyes became swollen and the sadness it enveloped me as I could see in her words the same for her. This is a girl I have loved through the good and bad times, through sadness and feeling of loss, through many the walk in the night to just try and clear my mind to try and reconnect to try and maintain what was unravelling by the day. To try and put blinders on to not see the truth of the matter because the saying goes "Love Conquers All". The same reason many a woman who is battered stays with her Husband, or Boyfriend because of that false belief. Love is a feeling, in it there is depth, or perhaps it is just a cover to try and hold two who are moving farther apart together come hell or high water. The fact of the matter is that things sometimes just don't work out, you can love but know that perhaps one day the feelings will be gone. That one day we will realise it is a survival mechanism, to try and stay away from the inevitable hurt that a broken relationship often results in. We are human, no person wants to be hurt but sometimes we must realise that it is not working and move on. There is still life after a breakup no matter how hard it may be.

I thought for awhile that I could pull us together, by being who I needed to be, to not deny who I am, or what I am. To be the stronger of the two to pull together what is already inevitably disconnected. The relationship, it was not working and yet still I tried. No matter the effort, no matter what I did it was not meant to be. To utter such a thing though, is still hard to say as only this morning did I let her go, did I say GoodBye for that final time. Knowing full well there was nothing either of us could do to improve the situation. A failure perhaps, and yet more better suited as a lesson to you and to me and perhaps to her. That things will improve in the future, but the first one you talk to, may or may not be the one that will put the ring on your finger. Who will consumate the relationship by offering a girl the privilege to be a wife. It is sad to say but perhaps there is no Prince Charming, no perfect situation, only one which is mutually consumated in the process that is marriage. And even that sorry to say is not the end all the final chapter, because you never know what the future holds. Things they will surely change, as each day passes into the next. For there is no real finale, because until you are layed to rest that final time, you never truly know how it will go.

To reside in the present seems the best choice for the times, to go forward each day, not to give up, but to know that there will be ups and downs. There will be wins and losses, happiness and sadness, it's lives journey. Its those curve balls that each day we are pitched, the only thing you can do, still go to bat and try try try again. Eventually you will hit the ball out of the park, perhaps find the one who you can be with for the rest of years, til that final sleep.

The point being is we only know the present, and in the present we must reside, to grow in the time to see what tomorrow will bring. Not to put all your eggs in one basket, but to keep your eyes open and your sense keen. Living in the now is the best we can do, so why not make that quality decision to reside in this moment fully, as even in this loss I must remember my own words, to know thyself and in that awareness to become better for it.

Thanks for Reading

To Be of the Year of The Dragon

Facts to Know about Dragon Love Compatibility

by biotrend

Dragons are popular and easily attract people through their irresistible, charismatic, generous and intrepid personality. Even standing beside them can dispel fear. They are capable of generating excitement and are head turners. These impulsive free spirits are also congenial spouses and help their partners to realize their dreams.

Dragon lovers also have the strange knack of making people around them feel better and so people love to be in their company. Because of their impulsive natures, dragons don't take time to fall in love.

But they are not ready to surrender their independence easily and can leave their partners to lead solitary lives if their independence is threatened. However the dragon will never desert his/her partner once he/she commits him/herself to the relationship.

What Do They Expect From Their Partners?

A dragon likes to get hitched to a funny, witty and smart lover.
His partner has to intrigue him and keep up his interest long enough to enable him to contemplate marriage. Dragons are moody and sentimental and pretty insensitive. It requires a thick-skinned and easygoing person to get along with a dragon comfortably. It is not easy to gel with a dragon spouse.

A dragon has a fierce and volatile temper and it becomes extremely difficult to handle him when he erupts. To add to these negative traits, dragons love to be the cynosure of all eyes and have to be showered with constant attention; they are egotistical, dominating, imperious and authoritative. Modesty is not their cup of tea. Solicited advice is something they abhor and they don't think twice before being insensitive and tactless with their partners. Therefore it requires a patient, understanding, mature and sensible person and oodles of guts to become a dragon 's compatible life partner.

Love and Compatibility with Various Signs

A dragon and a rat can forge a brilliant union that will overflow with plentiful love, mutual understanding and mental sensitivity. If both the partners can find out a middle path to make their relationship work, the marriage will work out fine. A dragon and tiger combination is full of gusto; it 's a powerful match that can fuel passion. Mutual cooperation and respect are necessary to make the relationship durable.

The obstacles and impediments in a dragon rabbit union can both divide or unite the couple. Both the dragon and ox are extremely obstinate, they don't realize the necessity of giving and taking in a relationship and hence will never find happiness in marriage. Two dragon people can become perfect partners if they learn to share the limelight. A dragon and a snake will fit together like hands in gloves for they are quick-witted, crafty and clever.

A horse can share a sizzling sexual chemistry with a dragon. A sheep and dragon are sexually compatible but the union won't be fruitful as there are too many differences between the partners. A monkey can be a good partner for a dragon for their aims and mentalities are matching which will bring them joy.

A dog and dragon match is not advisable for the affair will be too tempestuous and both partners will lose peace of mind. A pig can form a lasting relation with a dragon that will be full of deep affection and mutual care. A rooster and dragon have what it takes to form a beautiful couple, but the relationship falls apart due to egotism.

Article Source: Content for Reprint

GoodNight Sweetheart - Where to Go From Here.

GoodNight - To Say & To Believe - Love

It is amazing sometimes how things change, sometimes for the better other times for the worst, all in par for the course that is life with it's obstacles and ups and downs. To love a girl and to love her without condition, or malice can be a powerful thing but when this girl turns about and begins to speak of no longer being Boyfriend or Girlfriend, instead just friends what does it mean exactly? As I thought about it and had an opportunity to ask my friends online, I ended up with many view, but essentially it was merely a matter of either looking for more commitment or trying to get a feel for where each stands in the relationship. As I thought about it, I figured perhaps it was for the better, a more solid option to see where it goes, simply because of a quote offered to me by @successcoach via twitter that essentially said:

"relationships hurt, but how can you know love without pain, cherish what you have/had and keep those thoughts in your mind...
if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be"

That was some very serious thoughts, and got my mind to thinking ... that perhaps if this is meant to be in setting her free she will come back to me. Even if she does not at the very least letting a bird fly, helps you realize that the bird has always expected the freedom one day. And in that release perhaps she can find another who is more suitable to who she is looking for, even if it is not me. No doubt it may hurt a bit, but then again at the very least you let her fly to find her own way south.

It is a difficult time though as I thought things were looking up and was expecting a care package she had taken the time to prepare and send, and now I do not know if I will ever have the opportunity to see all the wonderful things she had done for me. Except as one friend to another, which I can appreciate but know it will not be at all the same. Better to step away on good terms though so my hope is that is what will occur in this experience. What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments and thanks for reading.

Long Distance Relationships and Trust Issues

Why is it so difficult to deal with a relationship at distance, for that matter why do people even take the first steps in that direction? I thought I had a girl, and all seemed well until my birthday came around and many of those I kept in touch with offered me warm birthday wishes, one of them was a very old friend of mine who I have kept in touch with for a long time.

In closing her birthday wishes, she shared that I was her best friend. And in that the other girl, I thought was going to be the one, does a 360 degree turn, and starts attacking me after questioning who this person was and why she signed the birthday wish as my best friend. Afterwards saying I was a playboy, and that I was messing with this friend of mine behind her back.

Seriously folks what are your thoughts on such matters? Is it worth staying with this person who is at distance, or is it better to move on from here. Share your views in the Comments down below.

New & Exciting Updates

Brand new and further improved iDiscuss Forums @ http://hok-international.net/smf/index.php?board=28.0 And the story continues onward with additions of new entries @ www.political-sylum08.blogspot.com & www.bike-journeys.blogspot.com

And that is only the beginning the objective is to do a complete redesign of the site and explore the possiblities beyond that moment, any suggestions?

Come Check out Twitter @ http://twitter.com/knatchwa or add me as a friend @ http://writeit.hok-international.net/ or share your views @ http://forums.hok-international.net/

Love Is Complex - An Enigma

You know when I think about it, this love, this enigma, I try to understand it ... to experience it and to understand while it should be unconditional it is sometimes not even close. I cared for a girl once, and I thought she cared for me but apparently not enough. As what may of been expected to go well, to have reached the logical climax, in the sense that the love lasts through the trials and errors inevitable in our existence today. A love that holds strong through the early years of a mutual relationship. To continue and to survive even through those tough times. It is in those times the truth may often come out ... to reach the point of an engagement, the first step in the direction of a life time commitment that is marriage. Yet I think about it, this girl I once knew, all seemed well except when you looked more closely removed the blinders often put up, to see if this person could truly be that one. The one you want to have kids with, you want to love and care for till late in the years. The vows say "Til Death Do You Part" meaning through all the challenges to love so much as to remain at that persons side. To not leave at the slightest inclination of frustration, whether it is monetary or otherwise. It is the understanding that regardless of the challenges we each face, within reason, that love is eternal. Love is expected to last for as many years as we are all so fortunate to be upon this earth. With time flying so fast, I wonder sometimes what do we each do with our time? With this minute amount of time as a part of this earth, will we leave the one there is claim to love because we do not get our way? Because we want something and it cannot be provided at that time. Is it in that there is reason to no longer love. To no longer love and to leave, because there is a challenge we face. One which we all need to get through.

When you consider love, and you try and expand the view on it, you find there are many sides to such a simple thing. There are many aspects, it is not just that you say 'I love you' it is what is behind the words. It is what either of the two truly hold beyond just those three words. On that point a thought came to my mind as I pondered the possibilities to a point where I decided to step away from this blog and move it to a new one:

On Lessons Learned Through Love

Perhaps new, another chapter of my experience, this one will survive in memory and in the future things will be brighter.

SOHH Site Hacked - Prejudice? Love Lost?

What kind of stupidity gives a person a reason to return to the prejudices once thought lost and gone, prejudice today it seems even if thought to have been emancipated still exists. It is a sad Story to say the least, there is much growth we as a society must do to insure awareness of the diversity of our civilization. To explore prejudice as it stands today.

Read More ...

And offer your feed back in the comments.

Sanity, What is it?

Essays: Sanity - Essays - Helium - by Ray Marr

You ever take the time to think what is sanity, what it entails, what it means to each person? The attached essay is one view what is yours?

Ray



Technorati Tags: sanity, reality, interpretation

What might the story be - Where has it gone?

You ever wonder about the frustration that can accompany a love you thought was so deep and solid that nothing could uproot it? Or the fact, when things seem to be not going well when you thought that same love with stay through the good and bad times ... that instead it falters or disappears? Or appears to disappear? What goes through your mind when you care for someone so much, that you would do anything for them, even if it takes to long ... is that reason to just quit on something that was so solid before?

Love is a strange thing sometimes, it goes in cycles or seems to ... even if you have been with someone nearing two years, things just do not seem to be occurring , things seem to be out of sync. Where you cannot be sure if the love is there or if it ever was. Is it during these times you doubt it, or do you stand strong believing that in even this there is growth potential if it is grasped? If you remember that love should be without condition, and patience should be a constant. Instead of setting up impatient stances or basically fading out of their life in the only way you can. Perhaps it is a love you thought you found online ... or a love that just was a thought, a fantasy, in an ideal world where everything ends just as you want it too.

Reality is it without a sense of humor ... it seems to me that though love that should be eternal for life not just fleeting moments, only at that time in your life, through that part of your journey . To love someone is to not expect only money when both are struggling through financial circumstance, and if you do not get the money as soon as you would hope, you should still love that person ... and be patient. Is that so difficult, if your own financial circumstance is difficult. Really if you think about the potential and the possibilities, because you do not get money as soon as you wanted too, that reason enough to just ignore someone you have been together with for so long. To stop all communication thinking that will solve the situation, that will make the money just appear out of mid air. Is a lack of financial support, when you work yourself, enough reason to just disconnect from the person you cared so much for.

Would that just mean you were a gold digger from the start? Would it mean, that all the words, of love and the time spent together was only an act to get money, nothing real, not concrete. I guess in that sense if that is your point of view in life, then at the moment you stop getting what you want you then just move on, to the next sucker. The next fool who seeing you as kind and gentle and genuinely caring, playing off the act one more time. To get more money out of him till there is nothing left, and then the cycle repeats. Is that really the answer, is that really an existence you can be proud of?

To be a con artist, a player, who lives off the kindness of others, like a vampire sucking the blood as you speak the warm words of someone who is in love. You play off your same little act, the same little ploy. A method to get money from every fool you come in contact with. Like a pest who destroys and acts at the same moment.

Does love truly last, or is it only a ploy, an act to get what you want? Maybe that is not everybody I don't mean to classify everyone as one type of person, or in my case one type of girl. I try to keep my mind open to the possibilities, offer up faith on your part, believing that love will last forever. As I look at my earlier posts I realize, that perhaps I was misled the whole time. Each time I made an effort to love a person I always seemed to be hurt in the end or just played off as a fool and then the girl marries someone else, gives her heart to someone else and passes me off as old news. As just one more fool in a long deliberate set of acts, to get as much money as you can. I don't know I try not to judge, to assume to much. Experience can tell a different story, so don't you think it is better to be safe then sorry?

I have had to many experiences sometimes to be trusting, and yet still I trust in what I believe to be love, yet every time it seems, that I end up being the fool, and lose the most. There has been at least a few girls, that have passed through my life. Sorry to say most of them so far have ended up married or with kids from someone else. Which makes me wonder what it is that is happening in my love life. I try and do great things and I do, but it is often with a price tag, to setup a secure future it requires the work to build something now that will grow to a point where it will be the primary income stream in my family to be. If it can be understood, that I put forth such levels of dedication because I want my family to be, financially secure. To build something now that can produce income for life. A job will not do that, as I am sure each of you are aware. Even if that is the expected result, of a traditional thinker, to go ahead get educated, get a career, get married, have kids and die. I look beyond that, I always have because I realize that I would rather establish a future that will offer up great opportunities for my kids and for my family. I don't follow the traditional thinking because I already know where it goes, I have seen the end result, the sadness at the end of a life not really lived but just followed. Following the traditional thought process, to educate, work, marry, have kids, retire and die. What is left behind, how much of life is forgotten, never experienced because to much time was spent making someone else money, instead of yourself. Instead of your family, to offer up your abilities for another person to capitalize on, and pay you whatever little bit they choose. To have the ability to tell you when you wake up, when you work, when you can take a break and the list goes on. To control your life how they see fit, instead of you controlling your own life. To just go ahead and accept what they offer you, because it is following that same traditional thought process.

What kind of existence is that exactly, is it living or just watching as life passes you on by, month after month year after year. To realize when you are so far along in your own life, that really you have not done anything worthy of a view, so many years have passed and you have not got past, where you were years ago. Simply because you reached the top of the pile, or by someones standard, have reached the top, really if you look at it and realize the fact that the top was only a table, where you cannot go up you can only go back down. You really accomplished nothing. The point being, though it may be difficult now to put forth your best effort on a better future, sometimes it must be understood that commitment of going beyond where people have ever been takes setting a solid foundation, on which the structure of the better future can be built, solidly, insuring continued security in your life and your families. It takes such levels of dedication when you start something new, when you put that first stone down on which to build the home. That one stone will not do it, but it is the first step in the right direction.

To return to the story, three girls in my life have married someone else, had birthed another fathers children, when early on in what was loosely categorized as our relationship, it was thought we would be forever. Nothing would change it, no future event would make a difference because our love was thought to be that deep. To be that deeply sounded, thought to be one stone in a lifetime foundation. We followed that illusion for awhile until things got difficult, distance was a factor or personalities clashed, it could be many things. The end result it never worked out, things changed, circumstances changed so many variables. Some were at my fault while others were on the part of the other half of the supposed stone. The first girl, I worked with for awhile and we started going out, things seemed to be going well, though we were both working for a temporary agency. Which if you do not know, is not often that constant a work, depending on the job and the location, and how expendable you were. When you are giving time for money you only as useful as the next person who applies at the job, meaning you cannot ever be really sure. We were together for a while, spent many hours together, come my birthday after we had been together nearly a year, she decided we should go hike out in Big Sur, seemed like a good idea, to go and find the hot springs that lay within something like 20 miles off the main road. Started packing the bags, and I packed mine like I always have, considering she had a very strong personality, and figured she knew everything there was to know about hiking, begin to unpack my bag, telling me it was not packed right. Also considering I ride a bike exclusively, I have often packed that same bag, on a previous tour I took out to Big Sur, worked just fine so far as I could tell. Thinking we each had the better idea, more experience on light weight packing, then the other, we argued. Quickly the argument grew out of control, we each were yelling at about the top of our lungs. She had walked away and was crying a bit off to the side. I decided I had enough and jumped on my bike with my pack as it was and rode home. What a birthday, don't you think? Eventually we did take a hike out there, and had a good time, I cannot say what happened with her, whether it was the fact that she sold a truck I could of easily taken over payments of and calling it my own, and the seemingly constant arguments, my last night with her I just slept in the truck, after that I just left, never did return. Last I heard she got married and has a child of her own now, we have not talked in a long time and I don't think we ever will anytime real soon.

That was just one experience, another one that comes to mind that seems to follow the same thought process, was with a girl I had been together with for what seemed like ten years or so, not constant but on and off. We had been through our bouts in the ring, still I went and saw her one last time, about two years ago now, when I traveled out to Cincinnati, Ohio where she lives now, and stayed with her for like a month or two, she is the one who even though we were "together" had two children from two different fathers in the time I thought she was my girl, she tells me she thought about me when she became pregnant, don't know if that is lies or truths, my visit to Cincinnati, apparently was the last I would see her before she got married, to an individual she met on myspace no less, I will admit I also met her online at a time in my life where my views on things were a bit skewed, so really that relationship started online and grew from there. Apparently it was not enough though, to have her remember she was my girl, and as such save herself for me. When I went there I guess I figured it would be the last visit, because in the time I had not talked to her, I had started talking with a girl from Philippines. We had great conversations, and things seemed to be going well that I will go into next. So on my visit to Ohio, initially at least, I was determined to make it my home, I was going to get myself a job and work and make some money and just call it home. And when I jumped the flight leaving from Monterey, where my bike was stolen, I had every intention to do all I could to make Ohio home. That of course was before I experienced living with her for a bit, certainly it became clear that was not going to happen, we had so many arguments, I often took walks outside in the snow as it was early in the Year 2007, just to take a breather. I just did not want to lose control, which could happen when I became really annoyed, so instead I went out and took a break, she was difficult to keep in order. Really, it just became clearer in experience that it was not going to happen. Considering she has two children by two different fathers, and really, I took care of her son and daughter as mine while I was there and even that was difficult. I handled it as a father to be should, but it just did not seem like it was going to happen. I had to get my social security card besides and that became a reason to come back to California, besides after I had made the choice, and started talking with the girl in Philippines more and more, I realized she seemed to be a better fit. The wonders of ideology huh?

The other girl I alluded to earlier, probably be the third in the series, was the girl from Philippines, Cebu City no less, we had been talking for quite sometime, and I had learned she expected to travel to the states come March of that year, 2007, at the time I was in Ohio still, ended up being the mistake that cost me this one, maybe. The choice had been made, things were not working out in Ohio, and they did not seem to be showing signs of any change in the near future. I was ready to go back to California for her, for this girl from Cebu. Maybe I was just a fool, who knows where it could of gone. The point is I ended up leaving Ohio in the worst possible mode of transport via the bus, and she was expected to show up in Los Angeles, early in March, I figured I would have enough time to catch her. The problem was I did not have exact dates as to when she would travel or when she would arrive, which made it far more difficult to coordinate times and dates. That may of just been a sign, a reason not to proceed, perhaps Ohio could of worked out, the ticket was bought and the time of departure from Ohio was set, via bus, which you can never really count on to get anywhere on time. Reliant on traffic and how long the stopovers were to be. Even with all these indicators, as I look back and realize that it may of been easier to stay with what I can see and experience then to chase a fantasy if you will of a girl who may or may not be there, who could be the one or not. To make such effort because I had fallen into such a situation where I felt it would be better. Though I had a girl that I had been staying with for awhile, though it seemed to be falling apart, could of been a better choice? What do you think?

Things Change - Or Do They?

Does love change, is it lost and not found again? Or is love an ongoing story? You know as I was thinking about things just the other night, I started wondering, thinking about where things are in comparison to where they have been. Life is certainly full of ups and downs don't you agree?

Well the point being, as I was thinking about the possibilities I found myself thinking of my babe ko. Wondering though what is going on what has happened with her as I have not heard from her in a bit.

Whether it is just the busyness of life, or something else without communications you can never know. You ever been in that situation in your life? If so what did you to improve it. Or did you just roll with the punches and not take action and see where it will go?

As I thought about her I realized that I cared for her, and as such the effort seems worthwhile to get things done, You agree?

Whether you do or don't it's okay with me, I just like to see some feedback, some activity to make things more interesting then they stand now. Life is most certainly full of challenges it is what you do with them that could make or break the situation. The choice is one which I need to make to exist fully in life and in this moment in time.

To Love and Let Go ... How difficult it can be.

17:41 3/11/2008

Sometimes it is difficult to let go of someone you care so much for. Someone that in times previous you figured was the one. When I think about it though, How can you truly know. Love is not so ideal as the fairy tales have it. Love is difficult, an involved set of emotions pulled together that results and a true caring for a person. And if things do not work out. Perhaps they find someone else and marry them then what? Is there anything to do or do you just move on. Is it so difficult to overcome the memory and move forward? Sometimes it truly seems that way. I still care for her but must reside in the present and leave the past in the past. How difficult something so simple can be.

What is Love?

The infamous question asked for ages previous, the answer never really cut and dry. There is to much, compiled together and being called love to really explain it. Most would say it is only a feeling , that as such it can not really be explained. That is the easy answer, the complexities of a response to such a question could make up a book thousands of pages long. Or could it?

You ever wonder if you took the time to write it down and try and explain it level by level. If you chose to ever take the time to research it fully. What you would find? If you would accept the explanation or depending on the person it varies wildly. I often ponder such possibilities, to try and comprehend this reality. I may fail, sometimes but I always grow from it.

To define love, well lets try this one out ...

• Love is unconditional - caring for a person no matter the challenges you may face.
• Love is Mutual - Love though not as apparent as you might hope. It is usually between two sentient beings who care for each other deeply.
• Love is ongoing - suffice to say love is not easy, it comes with its challenges and the choice is up to you what to do with it.
• Love is improved over time, through the good and bad times. To stay by the other no matter the challenge you may face.
• Love is Complex - Best known as a deep felt feeling, of caring for someone unequivocally, not judging and not trying to change, instead accepting for who they are.
• Love can be a give and take process ... one for the other under constant variance.

Certainly not an exhaustive list but a true one ... though you may be asking ... well ok, how does that explain what "love" is. Well perhaps I should refer you back to the beginning love is a complex experience, full of challenges and times of growth. For each person love is different. For each group there is different variations. The list though short, does hold true. And if you have any comments please take the time to leave me one. We shall see how this grows or not.

Another Story

And so it continues, a new year long past, Valentines flying by just as all time does. What did you do for valentines? Did you subscribe to the commercial hype or remember what the day is truly about. The history of valentines may be quite different then you have heard of before.

You know I was talking with my girl today ... well actually the 14th. And she asked me "Where is my Valentine Gift?" I thought about it for a moment, and my response ... "the best gift I can give you is within your heart, in the knowledge that I care for you so much and love even over an ocean. My valentines gift to you my girl is in the deeply rooted love I have for you and to the excitement of our future. That my dear is the best gift I can offer you." A moment of silence passed and all she could say was "Thank You." To realize how much an effect that had on her ... helped me to remember that though Valentines Day has become commercialized the underlying celebration of love that presents still resides and will until the end of times.

The power of love my friend is an amazing thing, Valentines Day is about those you care deeply for ... that you offer your heart unconditionally. And for that I am thankful as I hope you are also.

Thanks for taking the time to Read ... And no matter how much Valentines is commercialized never lose sight of truly what it is about ...

Love and a Plan

Another day has come and gone, earlier this time then the last. Still I look at today and what occurred yesterday and I know that I need to change. My goals need to remain at the forefront of my thoughts and the purpose in my actions. In the coming months I plan to be in the Philippines with my girl. To so it is necessary to work toward that goal day by day. It will take concerted effort to make it happen, a big goal certainly and has been as such since I was talking with another girl before the one I have now. It has long been something I have wanted to do, It has been long in coming to bring that together and tin finally take this trip. Once it is fulfilled then what?

At high likelihood, and the logical continuation, when I arrive back to the states from the Philippines is to began the process of bringing her here for the process of marriage to get here here for the exclusive reason to marry three months from the time she arrives. At that point it will require an entirely different set of goals personal and as a family. What are some of the things that need to be in place to have her here with me?

Most likely having my own place would be a bit one. Good to start with a one bedroom place and grow from there. Would rather it be a house then an apartment. Hard to say how that will be. A condo is a good idea though a lifetime goal of mine has been to have a place in the mountains away from the noise of the city with acreage all around the area to enjoy without the possibility of development in the near future, enabling us to enjoy it in the beauty of days past.

Times when you lived off your own land, and only went into town to get the few things you could not grow or raise on the land. To otherwise enjoy the beauty of the mountains, natural streams, insightful hikes through the wilderness, or a wondrous Mountain Bike ride along some exciting single track. If you felt like just taking a horseback ride on one of your own horses. The simple pleasures in life
seeming to be lost in the hustle and bustle of today. Working to many hours and not getting paid near enough for your efforts.

Still it is a goal of mine and just as the long awaited trip to the Philippines will come to pass so shall my Mountain Estate, deep in the mountains along with all the benefits that go with it.

On income to pay for two instead of one, what kind of effort would that require, I want to keep her home, call me traditional, or male chauvinist, understand I want her to raise our children not a day care facility, or someone that is not there parents.

There are diverse options that could produce income while she is at home, writing, editing, quixtar, house cleaning so many options. Anything that would produce additional income and provide a sense of accomplishment, would be appropriate for one I love dearly.

From a story to a personal view, I offered, read through and visualise the possibilities for you.

On Changes

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So the story continues, in love you learn, in relationships you grow. A constant challenge that is life, that is existence. Relationships the enigma they are and will continue to be. Ongoing life, with an ongoing journey. With the death of a Grandmother I realized something that life is definitely a gift, and in a relationship so it becomes all that much more valuable. Life must be lived fully, not allowed to just pass you by. To share this gift that is life, you understand, and take the steps to make it the best it can be. With Valentines Day coming soon you realize flowers for the one you love or chocolate to make the day all that much more better. I understand that it is a holiday that celebrates love, and that is a wonderful thing.

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So Look upon the options and realize the potential of making this fine day a true celebration of the one you love.

Marriage and its Trends

In the recent times, it appears to have become a constant, to not marry but to be "together" works well for most, and some just don't want any part of it. Speak with some of the University Graduates, there views are very different now then they were before, some see that sacred vow to be the start of a cycle of pain. To just do what has been done for so many years previous in existing moment by moment. With that view, I thought it through, and really I think that may be only a part of the reason why it is so rare now.

Besides the fact, that many of my co workers from jobs previous would tell me they had been with so and so for how many years, not ever really expecting to marry. They have children, they live together it is almost the same, perhaps it is just the fact that the flexibility plays a role in that process. Just the fear of commitment, a contributing factor could be another reason. I will not offer definitive evidence because each person is different just as each couple is. What I will offer is my own insight on the sights I have seen and the people I have met.

If you look at those who are married they are often from a previous generation, whereby marriage was held in a high regard and promoted as such. They have kids, they both work you know the story. The sad part of it is that someone else often raises there children because of the ways of today. Working to many hours and getting paid to little money. Trying to survive and struggling to keep there lifestyle alive. Sometimes two jobs or more just to pay the monthly bills. They would say they are happy even with the undue stresses thus associated. It is a cycle they made the choice to be a part of and deal with the consequence of that choice. Interpretively speaking of course, each person can choose there own word they feel most appropriate to the circumstance. Love, and marriage, a dying viewpoint? I cannot say though I see, the trends have changed just as the times have. Now it is more about working to survive, living on the edge of bankruptcy to raise a child, a family, to keep things together to move forward. It is just so much to do in life and living that perhaps marriages has been placed on the back burner, because it is just as difficult to survive alone then to survive together. Again this is only one point of view, not definitive in any way as each person interprets the situation in there own way. It is merely what I have seen and understood when talking with so many individuals.

Things always go in cycles clearly, yet I wonder when this trend will go full circle. Maybe generations later, perhaps next year, hard to say with the economy in disarray. Still some make that choice to marry the one they love. Far more though make a different choice, they have more options now. They choose the route of least existence. In a relationship forever, just as a steady boyfriend and girlfriend. So there is my view on the said subject. Will you share yours?

Thanks for Reading

A lost love, or a choice made you decide.

Been a time since I last wrote something here, in my journal, And now there is so much more to think about. A whole novel can be formatted with the conversations tonight on the phone. For now I will just start where it began.

Today I started to really think about the situation with some clarity, this relationship I am in. The fact that I am here and the plan that I travel back to California to stay a couple of months and get my affairs in order, then return to Ohio to stay for awhile. Seemed sound and fair, in the first conversations about that distinct set of possibilities, all was good until we started getting more involved in the plans for the future. The chance of me coming here to stay in Cincinnati, and marriage and all the storybook, once upon a times and the happily ever afters you could possibly ask for in an ideal world. To be honest some of that surprised me, I figured I just come stay for a bit and return to only leave again afterwards. And Richell, a girl you could say I was serious about more so then Sue the one I was going to visit. Her visit was planned and in the works she was expected to arrive in March it was January when I wrote this sitting in an airport waiting and pondering. A wonderful girl from Island of Cebu in the Philippines. I cared for her very much and when I think about it I wonder if it was mutual.

The middle of the month was my expected arrival date in Cincinnati. The plan was, when I made the decision to see Sue, I would leave from San Francisco Airport about Mid January and stay for a couple of months at which time I would return to California to keep things in order then return back to stay for an undefined time back in Cincinnati.

That of course, is not really the point. The situation has become a bit more complex. I have met her family, her friends and wonder what is expected as little has been said to make it more clear. In some regards, I was not clued in. In all the words exchanged, there were certainly pleasantries, but I could not decipher immediately what may of been between the lines, no hints and I surely was looking for them an astute observer I can be but body language can be cryptic. I will not go into the what ifs, the should a, could a, or would a, each alone can have its own volume, instead I need to write out the conflict of interest.

As it stands I plan to return to California and she offered to pay the bill, even though she also paid the ticket for my travel there, along with some spending money so I guess you can say I owed her though it was a result of many an in depth conversation on the phone and on line. I had planned to pay it back and still do.

The challenge goes beyond that, when I return to California, about the time Richell arrives in Los Angeles though at this time it has not been verified. Though a part of the conflict without confirmation, I am not sure the part she plays. Whether I choose to leave Sue, giving her the opportunity to find another who may be more compatible. While I host Richell in my house and in my bed. At this impasse I have none of the above except her dedication and her heart. The point is if I choose to instead marry Richell, or she has my child, it is more likely I would stay with her. Due to the fact that Sue already has two children from two different fathers, it is just not a quality I look for in someone who I may call my wife.

The challenge is how can I remain good friends with Sue and her family & friends? So when I do come back, regardless of how it goes down I would still be welcomed. It is certainly hard to say. So therein lies the challenge of this moment in comparison to moments before.

In the end, well things did not turn out as expected, I did not get back to Ohio within the allotted time, and consequently, though internally expected, Sue found someone else on myspace no less and she married and since then I have only heard from her briefly. Sometime has passed since then and you know the sad thing is, even with richell it never worked out, she married someone in Los Angeles, so close yet far away and had a child by him. I will say one thing according to what she has told me he is a good man, taking care of her when she was sick and offering his heart and his home. I look back and well a lesson was learned, as a result of a loss, I found that any one of those events could of been prevented had a kept to my time frame while making it a point to follow through.

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays

Learn more about this author, Knatchwa

Is it worth it?

Sometimes as this journey continues I find myself wondering if it is worth continuing. With simple things become large things, the simplest ruffle in the supposed sea of love and suddenly all is off for the moment at least. I wonder now as I wondered then what is the reason love can be so difficult. Is it just the fact that as the journey continues so does the trials?

Or maybe it is just the fact that love is considered by one to be a very fragile thing while the other looks at it differently. Perhaps one notices and observes that love is a journey while perhaps the other considers that it is a destination.

So here I be pondering the possibilities. Is it worth the stress, the constant arguments? Or is it just not meant to be the case today, tomorrow, or next week? Maybe even next year, what a deeply engrained enigma is love. Will there ever be a time when it can be explained? Perhaps so or perhaps not. It is in this mystery that makes it most interesting as well as most frustrating. What does one expect from the other? How does it work when the view is different on both sides of the fence?

Maybe culture and its associated shock, confuses some and clarifies to others. The men are from Mars and Women are from venus, how appropiate is that? Does it actually hold true in loves excursions, its variatations?

I can only offer the questions and explain them according to me, your view may be different, and that is what makes each unique. It can be just so frustrating in existence and in this varied reality.

To say good bye to one you thought you loved

Todays existence is as diverse as the landscape. One moment someone acts like they care for you in all you are and who you will be and the next moment they just want to leave what you thought was solidified. Reality it would seem is not without a sense of irony. So another in the series of events with one who I cared for and yet I wonder if it was just a game or it was more real then that. I wonder what could of occured, what may of occured and how life could of been. To ponder such possibilities, to consider the fact that it may just be an extensive act is tough to understand and deal with. yet I wonder as I look at this situation. So many turns of events, so many occurences, simple as a forgotten birthday though not really forgotten, and not getting your way for some reason always expecting it. Is it a reason to quit such a relationship over a year and continuing onward to think that the plan was to go to phillipines, to go and see her, to perhaps take the steps to marry her. Apparently it was only a fantasy, a false idea of what was thought to be so ideal. Marriage in itself must be far more involved then all that to make it meaningful it appears. So I sit here wondering what could of been, what I thought was going to come together, to take such a trip to verify the dedication. Perhaps it was for the best, this turn of events.


I still care for you babe ko but apparently you do not feel the same. So take care and will talk to you another time in another parallel life or perhaps it will be all but forgotten. The future cannot be seen so I can only focus on the present and the possibilities of tommorow.

In Sadness posted, varying existence beyond the moment.


Ray