Monday, December 8, 2008

And it Ends or Does it Began?

Much has changed in so few days, so few hours it would seem. Finally we came down to it, her and I at 1a her time she wanted to talk with me. And so we talked for a bit, as this conversation progressed I knew it was going to end inevitably in the final word on a relationship that had seemed to be on very rocky ground, had become shallow, the depth was lost. Two years it had been her and I were together. Many conversations on the phone, on ym, but never in person. She at distance and me so far away. She lived on islands of the Philippines, and I will still here in California. So many times I had wanted to go and see her but as time passed, more and more arguments this process had begun seeming small at first but growing by the day and by the hour. We drifted further and further apart and it was not the same relationship it once was. I never made the trip because if I was to make the trip, I had expected it to be on good terms, not after arguments. Not after battles, hanging up breaking up and coming together again. Both seeming to want to make it work though it seemed there was little or no help that it would ever come about as something that could last.

Sure love was spoken but I wonder if it was truly felt, or was it only an attempt to hold together that which was clearly falling apart? It was a downward spiral for sure, things were not working, the arguments became more frequent and though it was started many times to speak those final words to say it was over, to say Goodbye for the final time, they were never uttered until this very day at 9a in the morning where after taking the time to listen and hear her out, I could see where it was going. Tears they did fall, and I have no qualms with letting them roll down my face, call it what you will but to hold it in makes no sense. So the tears the fell, my eyes became swollen and the sadness it enveloped me as I could see in her words the same for her. This is a girl I have loved through the good and bad times, through sadness and feeling of loss, through many the walk in the night to just try and clear my mind to try and reconnect to try and maintain what was unravelling by the day. To try and put blinders on to not see the truth of the matter because the saying goes "Love Conquers All". The same reason many a woman who is battered stays with her Husband, or Boyfriend because of that false belief. Love is a feeling, in it there is depth, or perhaps it is just a cover to try and hold two who are moving farther apart together come hell or high water. The fact of the matter is that things sometimes just don't work out, you can love but know that perhaps one day the feelings will be gone. That one day we will realise it is a survival mechanism, to try and stay away from the inevitable hurt that a broken relationship often results in. We are human, no person wants to be hurt but sometimes we must realise that it is not working and move on. There is still life after a breakup no matter how hard it may be.

I thought for awhile that I could pull us together, by being who I needed to be, to not deny who I am, or what I am. To be the stronger of the two to pull together what is already inevitably disconnected. The relationship, it was not working and yet still I tried. No matter the effort, no matter what I did it was not meant to be. To utter such a thing though, is still hard to say as only this morning did I let her go, did I say GoodBye for that final time. Knowing full well there was nothing either of us could do to improve the situation. A failure perhaps, and yet more better suited as a lesson to you and to me and perhaps to her. That things will improve in the future, but the first one you talk to, may or may not be the one that will put the ring on your finger. Who will consumate the relationship by offering a girl the privilege to be a wife. It is sad to say but perhaps there is no Prince Charming, no perfect situation, only one which is mutually consumated in the process that is marriage. And even that sorry to say is not the end all the final chapter, because you never know what the future holds. Things they will surely change, as each day passes into the next. For there is no real finale, because until you are layed to rest that final time, you never truly know how it will go.

To reside in the present seems the best choice for the times, to go forward each day, not to give up, but to know that there will be ups and downs. There will be wins and losses, happiness and sadness, it's lives journey. Its those curve balls that each day we are pitched, the only thing you can do, still go to bat and try try try again. Eventually you will hit the ball out of the park, perhaps find the one who you can be with for the rest of years, til that final sleep.

The point being is we only know the present, and in the present we must reside, to grow in the time to see what tomorrow will bring. Not to put all your eggs in one basket, but to keep your eyes open and your sense keen. Living in the now is the best we can do, so why not make that quality decision to reside in this moment fully, as even in this loss I must remember my own words, to know thyself and in that awareness to become better for it.

Thanks for Reading

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