Friday, April 25, 2008

What might the story be - Where has it gone?

You ever wonder about the frustration that can accompany a love you thought was so deep and solid that nothing could uproot it? Or the fact, when things seem to be not going well when you thought that same love with stay through the good and bad times ... that instead it falters or disappears? Or appears to disappear? What goes through your mind when you care for someone so much, that you would do anything for them, even if it takes to long ... is that reason to just quit on something that was so solid before?

Love is a strange thing sometimes, it goes in cycles or seems to ... even if you have been with someone nearing two years, things just do not seem to be occurring , things seem to be out of sync. Where you cannot be sure if the love is there or if it ever was. Is it during these times you doubt it, or do you stand strong believing that in even this there is growth potential if it is grasped? If you remember that love should be without condition, and patience should be a constant. Instead of setting up impatient stances or basically fading out of their life in the only way you can. Perhaps it is a love you thought you found online ... or a love that just was a thought, a fantasy, in an ideal world where everything ends just as you want it too.

Reality is it without a sense of humor ... it seems to me that though love that should be eternal for life not just fleeting moments, only at that time in your life, through that part of your journey . To love someone is to not expect only money when both are struggling through financial circumstance, and if you do not get the money as soon as you would hope, you should still love that person ... and be patient. Is that so difficult, if your own financial circumstance is difficult. Really if you think about the potential and the possibilities, because you do not get money as soon as you wanted too, that reason enough to just ignore someone you have been together with for so long. To stop all communication thinking that will solve the situation, that will make the money just appear out of mid air. Is a lack of financial support, when you work yourself, enough reason to just disconnect from the person you cared so much for.

Would that just mean you were a gold digger from the start? Would it mean, that all the words, of love and the time spent together was only an act to get money, nothing real, not concrete. I guess in that sense if that is your point of view in life, then at the moment you stop getting what you want you then just move on, to the next sucker. The next fool who seeing you as kind and gentle and genuinely caring, playing off the act one more time. To get more money out of him till there is nothing left, and then the cycle repeats. Is that really the answer, is that really an existence you can be proud of?

To be a con artist, a player, who lives off the kindness of others, like a vampire sucking the blood as you speak the warm words of someone who is in love. You play off your same little act, the same little ploy. A method to get money from every fool you come in contact with. Like a pest who destroys and acts at the same moment.

Does love truly last, or is it only a ploy, an act to get what you want? Maybe that is not everybody I don't mean to classify everyone as one type of person, or in my case one type of girl. I try to keep my mind open to the possibilities, offer up faith on your part, believing that love will last forever. As I look at my earlier posts I realize, that perhaps I was misled the whole time. Each time I made an effort to love a person I always seemed to be hurt in the end or just played off as a fool and then the girl marries someone else, gives her heart to someone else and passes me off as old news. As just one more fool in a long deliberate set of acts, to get as much money as you can. I don't know I try not to judge, to assume to much. Experience can tell a different story, so don't you think it is better to be safe then sorry?

I have had to many experiences sometimes to be trusting, and yet still I trust in what I believe to be love, yet every time it seems, that I end up being the fool, and lose the most. There has been at least a few girls, that have passed through my life. Sorry to say most of them so far have ended up married or with kids from someone else. Which makes me wonder what it is that is happening in my love life. I try and do great things and I do, but it is often with a price tag, to setup a secure future it requires the work to build something now that will grow to a point where it will be the primary income stream in my family to be. If it can be understood, that I put forth such levels of dedication because I want my family to be, financially secure. To build something now that can produce income for life. A job will not do that, as I am sure each of you are aware. Even if that is the expected result, of a traditional thinker, to go ahead get educated, get a career, get married, have kids and die. I look beyond that, I always have because I realize that I would rather establish a future that will offer up great opportunities for my kids and for my family. I don't follow the traditional thinking because I already know where it goes, I have seen the end result, the sadness at the end of a life not really lived but just followed. Following the traditional thought process, to educate, work, marry, have kids, retire and die. What is left behind, how much of life is forgotten, never experienced because to much time was spent making someone else money, instead of yourself. Instead of your family, to offer up your abilities for another person to capitalize on, and pay you whatever little bit they choose. To have the ability to tell you when you wake up, when you work, when you can take a break and the list goes on. To control your life how they see fit, instead of you controlling your own life. To just go ahead and accept what they offer you, because it is following that same traditional thought process.

What kind of existence is that exactly, is it living or just watching as life passes you on by, month after month year after year. To realize when you are so far along in your own life, that really you have not done anything worthy of a view, so many years have passed and you have not got past, where you were years ago. Simply because you reached the top of the pile, or by someones standard, have reached the top, really if you look at it and realize the fact that the top was only a table, where you cannot go up you can only go back down. You really accomplished nothing. The point being, though it may be difficult now to put forth your best effort on a better future, sometimes it must be understood that commitment of going beyond where people have ever been takes setting a solid foundation, on which the structure of the better future can be built, solidly, insuring continued security in your life and your families. It takes such levels of dedication when you start something new, when you put that first stone down on which to build the home. That one stone will not do it, but it is the first step in the right direction.

To return to the story, three girls in my life have married someone else, had birthed another fathers children, when early on in what was loosely categorized as our relationship, it was thought we would be forever. Nothing would change it, no future event would make a difference because our love was thought to be that deep. To be that deeply sounded, thought to be one stone in a lifetime foundation. We followed that illusion for awhile until things got difficult, distance was a factor or personalities clashed, it could be many things. The end result it never worked out, things changed, circumstances changed so many variables. Some were at my fault while others were on the part of the other half of the supposed stone. The first girl, I worked with for awhile and we started going out, things seemed to be going well, though we were both working for a temporary agency. Which if you do not know, is not often that constant a work, depending on the job and the location, and how expendable you were. When you are giving time for money you only as useful as the next person who applies at the job, meaning you cannot ever be really sure. We were together for a while, spent many hours together, come my birthday after we had been together nearly a year, she decided we should go hike out in Big Sur, seemed like a good idea, to go and find the hot springs that lay within something like 20 miles off the main road. Started packing the bags, and I packed mine like I always have, considering she had a very strong personality, and figured she knew everything there was to know about hiking, begin to unpack my bag, telling me it was not packed right. Also considering I ride a bike exclusively, I have often packed that same bag, on a previous tour I took out to Big Sur, worked just fine so far as I could tell. Thinking we each had the better idea, more experience on light weight packing, then the other, we argued. Quickly the argument grew out of control, we each were yelling at about the top of our lungs. She had walked away and was crying a bit off to the side. I decided I had enough and jumped on my bike with my pack as it was and rode home. What a birthday, don't you think? Eventually we did take a hike out there, and had a good time, I cannot say what happened with her, whether it was the fact that she sold a truck I could of easily taken over payments of and calling it my own, and the seemingly constant arguments, my last night with her I just slept in the truck, after that I just left, never did return. Last I heard she got married and has a child of her own now, we have not talked in a long time and I don't think we ever will anytime real soon.

That was just one experience, another one that comes to mind that seems to follow the same thought process, was with a girl I had been together with for what seemed like ten years or so, not constant but on and off. We had been through our bouts in the ring, still I went and saw her one last time, about two years ago now, when I traveled out to Cincinnati, Ohio where she lives now, and stayed with her for like a month or two, she is the one who even though we were "together" had two children from two different fathers in the time I thought she was my girl, she tells me she thought about me when she became pregnant, don't know if that is lies or truths, my visit to Cincinnati, apparently was the last I would see her before she got married, to an individual she met on myspace no less, I will admit I also met her online at a time in my life where my views on things were a bit skewed, so really that relationship started online and grew from there. Apparently it was not enough though, to have her remember she was my girl, and as such save herself for me. When I went there I guess I figured it would be the last visit, because in the time I had not talked to her, I had started talking with a girl from Philippines. We had great conversations, and things seemed to be going well that I will go into next. So on my visit to Ohio, initially at least, I was determined to make it my home, I was going to get myself a job and work and make some money and just call it home. And when I jumped the flight leaving from Monterey, where my bike was stolen, I had every intention to do all I could to make Ohio home. That of course was before I experienced living with her for a bit, certainly it became clear that was not going to happen, we had so many arguments, I often took walks outside in the snow as it was early in the Year 2007, just to take a breather. I just did not want to lose control, which could happen when I became really annoyed, so instead I went out and took a break, she was difficult to keep in order. Really, it just became clearer in experience that it was not going to happen. Considering she has two children by two different fathers, and really, I took care of her son and daughter as mine while I was there and even that was difficult. I handled it as a father to be should, but it just did not seem like it was going to happen. I had to get my social security card besides and that became a reason to come back to California, besides after I had made the choice, and started talking with the girl in Philippines more and more, I realized she seemed to be a better fit. The wonders of ideology huh?

The other girl I alluded to earlier, probably be the third in the series, was the girl from Philippines, Cebu City no less, we had been talking for quite sometime, and I had learned she expected to travel to the states come March of that year, 2007, at the time I was in Ohio still, ended up being the mistake that cost me this one, maybe. The choice had been made, things were not working out in Ohio, and they did not seem to be showing signs of any change in the near future. I was ready to go back to California for her, for this girl from Cebu. Maybe I was just a fool, who knows where it could of gone. The point is I ended up leaving Ohio in the worst possible mode of transport via the bus, and she was expected to show up in Los Angeles, early in March, I figured I would have enough time to catch her. The problem was I did not have exact dates as to when she would travel or when she would arrive, which made it far more difficult to coordinate times and dates. That may of just been a sign, a reason not to proceed, perhaps Ohio could of worked out, the ticket was bought and the time of departure from Ohio was set, via bus, which you can never really count on to get anywhere on time. Reliant on traffic and how long the stopovers were to be. Even with all these indicators, as I look back and realize that it may of been easier to stay with what I can see and experience then to chase a fantasy if you will of a girl who may or may not be there, who could be the one or not. To make such effort because I had fallen into such a situation where I felt it would be better. Though I had a girl that I had been staying with for awhile, though it seemed to be falling apart, could of been a better choice? What do you think?

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