Sunday, January 13, 2008

A lost love, or a choice made you decide.

Been a time since I last wrote something here, in my journal, And now there is so much more to think about. A whole novel can be formatted with the conversations tonight on the phone. For now I will just start where it began.

Today I started to really think about the situation with some clarity, this relationship I am in. The fact that I am here and the plan that I travel back to California to stay a couple of months and get my affairs in order, then return to Ohio to stay for awhile. Seemed sound and fair, in the first conversations about that distinct set of possibilities, all was good until we started getting more involved in the plans for the future. The chance of me coming here to stay in Cincinnati, and marriage and all the storybook, once upon a times and the happily ever afters you could possibly ask for in an ideal world. To be honest some of that surprised me, I figured I just come stay for a bit and return to only leave again afterwards. And Richell, a girl you could say I was serious about more so then Sue the one I was going to visit. Her visit was planned and in the works she was expected to arrive in March it was January when I wrote this sitting in an airport waiting and pondering. A wonderful girl from Island of Cebu in the Philippines. I cared for her very much and when I think about it I wonder if it was mutual.

The middle of the month was my expected arrival date in Cincinnati. The plan was, when I made the decision to see Sue, I would leave from San Francisco Airport about Mid January and stay for a couple of months at which time I would return to California to keep things in order then return back to stay for an undefined time back in Cincinnati.

That of course, is not really the point. The situation has become a bit more complex. I have met her family, her friends and wonder what is expected as little has been said to make it more clear. In some regards, I was not clued in. In all the words exchanged, there were certainly pleasantries, but I could not decipher immediately what may of been between the lines, no hints and I surely was looking for them an astute observer I can be but body language can be cryptic. I will not go into the what ifs, the should a, could a, or would a, each alone can have its own volume, instead I need to write out the conflict of interest.

As it stands I plan to return to California and she offered to pay the bill, even though she also paid the ticket for my travel there, along with some spending money so I guess you can say I owed her though it was a result of many an in depth conversation on the phone and on line. I had planned to pay it back and still do.

The challenge goes beyond that, when I return to California, about the time Richell arrives in Los Angeles though at this time it has not been verified. Though a part of the conflict without confirmation, I am not sure the part she plays. Whether I choose to leave Sue, giving her the opportunity to find another who may be more compatible. While I host Richell in my house and in my bed. At this impasse I have none of the above except her dedication and her heart. The point is if I choose to instead marry Richell, or she has my child, it is more likely I would stay with her. Due to the fact that Sue already has two children from two different fathers, it is just not a quality I look for in someone who I may call my wife.

The challenge is how can I remain good friends with Sue and her family & friends? So when I do come back, regardless of how it goes down I would still be welcomed. It is certainly hard to say. So therein lies the challenge of this moment in comparison to moments before.

In the end, well things did not turn out as expected, I did not get back to Ohio within the allotted time, and consequently, though internally expected, Sue found someone else on myspace no less and she married and since then I have only heard from her briefly. Sometime has passed since then and you know the sad thing is, even with richell it never worked out, she married someone in Los Angeles, so close yet far away and had a child by him. I will say one thing according to what she has told me he is a good man, taking care of her when she was sick and offering his heart and his home. I look back and well a lesson was learned, as a result of a loss, I found that any one of those events could of been prevented had a kept to my time frame while making it a point to follow through.

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays

Learn more about this author, Knatchwa

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